Well, it seems that I may be going to be a father. My wife is pregnant. We are keeping our fingers crossed but of course there is a moderately high risk of a miscarriage in these early months.

Anyway, we are delighted. We do want to have a baby and we had just started to try for one, not expecting it to happen so quickly, so we are both somewhat surprised.

This last weekend I went away on a 3 day retreat. The questions surrounding fatherhood obviously came up in a big way. The biggest issue for me is my own mortality. I am 42 years old, which is prrobably not that old to be a father by modern standards, but nevertheless makes me think about for how much of the childs life I am going to be around. Having just attended a memorial ceremony of someone who died of cancer at a relatively young age, I am very much aware that we have no real idea how long we are going to be around. For me as much as anyone this is an issue because I am diabetic. My life expectancy is therefore less than a completely healthy person.

This isn't really about fear of death. I have that as much as anyone. However, although I am afraid of death, in a lot of ways it hasn't mattered. We are all going to die at some point. You can't avoid the inevitable. What this is about is being responsible for the wellfare of another being in a very direct way. I want to be around to support my child as he or she grows up. What this is is (to use a cliche) a wake up call. None of us can prevent our own death. We can't even be sure of delaying it a little. What I, personally, can do though is to make sure I don't make things worse. That I look after myself to the best of my ability. In other words, I need to not cause any more suffering than need be to my child and also to myself.

We were in a shop the other day when the shop keeper was explaining to someone else in the shop (and bringing us in on the conversation) that parents have a duty to bring up their children and they should not expect something in return for performing that duty when the child grows up. I'm not sure I would use the word duty but I do agree with the sentiment behind what he was saying, and not just about bringing up children. Whatever we do in this existence that benefits other beings we should do simply because it is the right thing to do and not expect anything in return. Of course we're only human and I can see myself in 16 years time shouting at my teenager about how ungrateful they are and how could they do this terrible thing they have done. I hope that doesn't happen.

Having said all this, this is very much an exercise in letting go. All I can ever do is the best I can and there is no point in worrying about those things which are not within my control. The future is always uncertain. I don't know what kind of child we will have I just know that we will try our best to bring him or her up in the best way we know how. We shouldn't expect any more from ourselves.